Why do Nigerians Pressure People to get Married?
By Jacqueline “Sola” Ewuoso
The moment I graduated from graduate school in 2015, the questions started pouring in.
“When are you getting married?” “How come you are not married?” “You haven’t found someone yet?” Then followed the prayers: “I am praying for you”, “God will grant you the bone of your bone,” “It is well, God will do it”.
My mom was the first person to champion this cause. Her talk on “it is time for you to settle down” came literally a day after I walked down the stage. It was as if she had been waiting for this day to tell me to produce a husband. After my mom, then followed the aunties, uncles, friends, church members and countless others “concerned citizens”. The indirect message I got from this was that, the only acceptable thing I should aspire to after graduating, is marriage.
I know they mean well and it all comes from a place of love, but it makes me angry. It makes me angry for myself and for every late 20 something year old Nigerian female, who gets bombarded with the “when are you getting married?” questions and concerns. What frustrates me and sometimes just about baffles me, is the idea that me not being married in my late 20’s, indicates a problem.
At age 27, I went to Nigeria for a friend’s wedding. During my short stay, I visited my grandma. She called me into her room and questioned me in Yoruba about why neither myself nor my siblings are married. She was genuinely sad and concerned about this.
My grandma wanted to know why at “my age” I was not married, she wanted to know what was wrong. In my broken Yoruba, I struggled to explain to her that there was nothing wrong with my un-married status. That she had no reason to be so concerned, but this was an impossible task. The conversation with my grandma that day made me sad. It made me sad to see her sad over something I do not believe should warrant that level of emotions or concerns.
At 28, I was in Nigeria again, this time for my mom’s 60th birthday party. I went up to greet one of my mom’s aunt, knees to the floor in the customary Yoruba style greeting. I greeted her and the first words uttered from her mouth was not a greeting but instead it was “ọkọ e da?” Yoruba for “where is your husband?”. I was hurt and embarrassed. In the two weeks, I spent in Nigeria, I had to deal with many different aunties, uncles and cousins, express concern about my lack of a husband. When it was not a direct question about marriage, it was usually a prayer. The “don’t worry your own will come”, “God will provide a bone of your bone”, “Very soon it will happen”. I am not one to reject prayers, but why must you tell me all this? How is this appropriate?
Why must you force me to go to an unknown pastor to pray for me? Ambush me in an intervention style meeting, questioning my singleness, send me prayer points to “destroy anyone and anything blocking my day of joy” (these are legit things that I have experienced).
I do desire to be married. In my early 20s, I always assumed that by the time I was 28-29, I would be married. Does it bother me now at 29 that I am not married? Yes, it does bother me. It bothers me because the unintended (or perhaps intended impact) of the external pressure and comments I have been receiving since my mid-20s, is that there is something wrong with me. That being un-married in my late 20s is a cause for concern. I was not concerned until the world put its concern on me.
But the truth is that for the most part, I am very much unbothered. I know I will one day get married. I have always been content with being single. I enjoy my singleness, I love traveling, I love doing whatever I want without needing to consult or plan around someone else. I love my freedom; I love being an “I” and for now this works for me. I just wished it worked for the people in my life too.
Why is the idea of a Nigerian woman not being married at a certain age problematic?
Why is the idea of marriage so important to us? Why do we force young women and young men alike to see marriage as the only reasonable achievement of your 20s? Why isn’t getting an education, a decent job, achieving an independent status and overall growing and learning about one’s self, not enough? Marriage will not make me whole; it is not an achievement. Yet, we treat women who are not married like they are failing. This is not okay; this should not be accepted as just part of “being African”.
To all my Nigerian mothers, fathers, aunties, uncles, friends and well wishes, I beg you; stop. Your desires for someone else to get married is simply that, your desires. If they desire the same thing, then great, support them and root for them. But please, scale back on the questions and the nagging. It doesn’t help.
Asking someone when they are getting married is not going to make them get married any sooner. It is an inappropriate question. I am not a fortune teller or a prophet. How should I know when I am getting married? How do you actually want me to answer this question?